Thoughts on Breast Feeding

So, did you know there is a whole generation of people raised on formula? Did you know my husband was a formula fed baby, and he's pretty smart and normal if you ask me. And I, my friends, was breast fed for one month and when my Mom got Mastitis 3x, she said enough! My Mom kept really good notes about everything and anything when I was a baby. Here's another shocker, she gave me cows milk at 3 months, that would give a doctor or Lactation consultant a heart attack these days! The irony is I love milk! Nothing satisfies my thirst like big tall cold glass of milk, mmmmm in fact I just had one with my oatmeal.

So yesterday, I had a big long tired day of the baby blues, I felt lonely, upset, exhausted, and the occasional thought about why did I want kids ran through my head. But the biggest issue I am faced with and am so confused about is what to do with my little girls food supply. The guilt of potentially not breast feeding her  eats me up everyday. My whole intention before I had her was to be open to "whatever happens happens' to make the effort to BF but if for some reason it didn't work out then not to freak out about it, so why can't I just relax about it all then?

Today, at 2 weeks old, she loves them bottles!(I'm pumping) The milk is fast flowing, easy to grip with her mouth and she gets held and loved and talked to while she eats. She's done in about 5-8 minutes and then she can either stare around the room, interact with us or go back to sleep. Currently she is out cold on the bed with me. The lactation consultant said to start using the nipple shield this handy little device that you put over your nipple and makes the baby think they are getting a bottle but surprise, they are actually on the breast. It works if my baby is really really hungry, or half asleep, in fact yesterday I had her 30 minutes on each side. Seems like a win right? But then why was she screaming in hunger 15 minutes later, and when I pumped I got the same amount out?

You see that's the first problem. How do you know if they are full? I know right now my Elsa needs at least 55-70ml or about 2oz-2.5oz just to be satisfied but can sometimes eat 3-3.5oz or up to 90ml when she's super hungry.

Also the amount of time sitting around as they feed, and it's a mess, omg that nipple shield leaks all over the underside and down my babies face and all over my clothes and the bed! I do laundry like crazy, because I am the one covered in breast milk, and after a shower I usually leak trails all over the house! So then there is the pumping, I am supposed to do it every 2-3 hours to establish my supply and for 15-20 minutes every time. I have been doing it about 7x a day, not 8 to 10 times, because I'm home alone, my husband has to work, and I have things to do, a baby to watch or play with or keep from crying and sometimes the pumping schedule gets pushed around. At night I sleep! I go 4-5 hours without pumping during the night, because I have to get my sleep somewhere, and that is usually when my husband watches her from 7pm-12am so I can get some rest. He is really awesome about that, and it helps me out a lot. Another perk to having the bottles, is that he can feed her so I can sleep or pump or do other things.

Then there are the books that say breast feeding constantly gives your baby immunitites, but then why do babies still get sick who are breastfed? I never got sick and to this day my husband and I get one bad cold maybe once every 2 years and remember he was a formula baby. I can remember that there were always those kids at school who were home sick 1 day a month without fail all throughout highschool, not me. So this leads me to believe that it's more of a genetic thing, not if the kid was breastfed or not.

I guess the majority of me is worried that I am having these thoughts or about to make decisions based on me and how I don't want to be inconvenienced to sit and work with my baby to have her latch and feed off me? Maybe at this times, yes, because she eats so often right now and we are happier all around with the bottle and pumping, but as she grows I still plan on working with her again, but right now it's just not happening, it's her, it's me, part of it is I can't force her. She squirms and arches her back and just seems like she is full out fighting me when I do put her to the breast.

I talk with my husband about this every day, that maybe I'll be an exclusive pumper, but then I think about pumping for 6 months and I'm like, am I crazy?! Pumping sucks too! So then I think 3 months of breast milk is good enough right? Maybe 1 month? Which is all I got? Ugghhhh...and then there is the evil formula, or so I feel it is made out to be. She had some in the hospital, and a friend of mine told me they fed their daughter formula at night because it helped her sleep longer, but otherwise all breast milk. I started trying that with Elsa and it totally works, she sleeps better. I found this online too

"It's ok if you have to supplement with formula. It's NOT poison. Any amount of breast milk you can give your baby is great whether it is 2oz or 20 oz." So is that true?

So, many questions, so many ideas, strategies, and which is the best for her and I?? It gives me a headache thinking about it. And then I read this on a babycenter http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-come-to-terms-with-my-guilty-feelings-about-quitti_500346_0.bc  . It made me feel better.

I hate social pressure, with all the hippy dippy granola Green Mom's out here in CA I said I wouldn't let it effect me. But when all of my closest friends worked their way through tough times with the initial trials and tribulations of breast feeding, I feel like I have to as well or do I?  One of my friends said to me "do you feel like you are missing out on bonding time, especially since you didn't get to have her latch on in the first hour after she was born?" I almost wanted to throw a pie in her face, I love her but how can you say something like that, my baby wasn't breathing properly!! We didn't have a choice, and to be quite honest, NO I do not feel that way, I don't know about this whole bonding thing, I can hold her closer to me with her eyes looking into mine when I feed her with a bottle, when she's on the boob she's looking at my armpit. And serious bonding between a mother and child is something that happens your whole life, through conversations, experiences and things the kid can actually remember. Ok enough on this topic for now...I just have to figure it out.

Update with Pictures!

All good news today, had another quick doctors appt to make sure the bilirubin was now going down, and it is! Also her weight went up a half a pound in like 2 days and a few hours, must be due to her giant appetite! So she is doing just fine, now, and Mom and Dad are very happy, tired, but happy! Her are some pictures...

36 hours before she was pulled out!

just born 

Jan 22nd was our 2 year anniversary and we had a 5 day old baby to celebrate with!

milk smiles are super cute!

Big Milk smile!

10 days old and loves to cuddle in bed with Mommy!

week 1 down

Well what can I say now, but I am a Mom......it is so very very surreal especially the birth as it happened in about a split second. I can't complain about the planned csection, that's for sure...  As I sit here looking at my little lady sleeping away I just still find it so hard to believe that she came out of me! The day she was born, I didn't get too see her much because her breathing was a little too much of a pant instead of deep breathes to help open up her lungs. The doctors kept her in the nursery with oxygen and she was up and running in about 15 hours, phew! But then she got the jaundice, a common conditions in  newborns and she had to go into a special light therapy. But now we are home and things are adjusting accordingly. I have not mastered the art of breastfeeding yet, in fact I pump and use a bottle, which she likes better. Every time I try to feed her or latch her onto me she tries it for a minute and then archers her back and makes a face like I don't like this Mom! I worked with so many lactation consultants while in the hospital because part of the remedy for jaundice is that the baby must eat as much as possible so it can excrete the bilirubin out of their system. Elsa wasn't really eating anything because my milk hadn't come in til day 3, which is TOTALLY normal. Anyhow once we got her on the bottle at least she eats like normal baby I just don't want her to only want the bottle. I only bought a cheap little pump thinking well I'm a stay at home mom, I don't need a $350 pump!? Luckily I had bought the one I did because not only was it only $60, but it works better than the one they had me use in the hospital! So as long as she gets breast milk I am happy, but on the other hand, plenty of babies are formula fed, so maybe if she never takes to the boob I might start supplementing with formula. I 'm on the fence now because pumping and feeding her takes 30 minutes, whereas breastfeeding is more like an hour at this age, and well...anyhow we will see. The whole pumping and feeding schedule every 3 hours is draining me fast and this schedule is ridiculous, how is one supposed to be a sane Mom running on an hour here and 2 hours there of sleep!

 I have had some wonderful friends come over and help out, and I am very appreciative of them! Jonas of course, is smitten with our daughter! He plays with her, loves to feed her(which is one of the pluses of the bottle, I can go nap while he feeds her!), and he's is getting better and better at changing her diaper, although when she has a "Scandinavian Blowout" as we call it, all over the new diaper, it's a little frustrating, but at least she is going!

So not much else to update you about, I feel great(yet tired) and cut out any pain meds for the c section except an occasional Motrin. Elsa is a doll, and Daddy well, like I said he is in love! Will post pictures later on, baby is sleeping and so must I!

This Is It!

I can't believe how fast the last 8 months have gone by and that today is the LAST day I will just be me.  There is just no way to comprehend what is on the other side of today.  I mean obviously I have a child moving around in my belly, and she has to come out at some point, but knowing that it's going to happen in about 15 hours is kind of scary! I don't know how else to describe how I feel right now, but I said to Jonas it's not like we're getting a new puppy!

Almost all of my friends have children and have been giving expert advice, but it's still hard to imagine the feelings that I will have the first time I meet little Elsa. All I can say at this point is that the anticipation is killing me, and it's got nothing to do with needles, scalpels, IV's, catheters and the spinal block. I'm actually looking forward to the pain killers, because my back has been just aching the last 2 weeks!

Well here are the last pictures of me with the baby in, next blog update she will be here!

Highway 1

Jonas hugging me and Elsa on the couch

The Last Week!

Well, I had my final OB/GYN appointment Friday. I did not gain any weight since the previous appointment on the 28th, I found that odd, but that means only 24lbs gained the whole pregnancy, I'll take it! My blood pressure was perfection and what else, oh, my temperature 98 degrees. Dr Kung measured my belly and said Elsa was "not a big baby." She said that Friday her guess was 6 1/2 to 7lbs. I'm sure if I went to 40 weeks she would be up to 8lbs so I guess maybe Elsa will be born 7-7 1/2lbs?? We'll find out soon enough!

So then I had  my pre-op appointment with the nurse who prepped me on how to prepare for the c section. Having been through so many surgeries before I didn't have any questions really, and I don't feel nervous or anxious, I just joked that this is the first surgery I'll be awake for! I also made it very clear that I refuse to share a hospital room, especially with a Mexican family. YES I DID say that to the nurse and she kind of laughed and said, "I totally understand." From everything I've been told there is a lot going on within the first 3 days of your baby's life. Besides having a new baby that needs to eat every 3 hours or less, check ups, paper people, photo people etc I'm going to be tired and want to sleep when I can. I have always had to share a room after my other surgeries with somebody, one girl wouldn't stop talking to me, it was SO annoying. The second time it was an elderly lady who had tons of family members in and out of the room. This makes recovery more stressful than relaxing. So knowing how Hispanic families are around here with 40 family members probably rolling in and out of the room all day, I just can't deal with that. The thing is in any big Mexican family, you know, most are probably illegal, are more likely to be carriers of whooping cough because they usually aren't insured and not vaccinated. You have to live in CA to really understand this, and most of the people at Kaiser are Mexicans and they have lots of babies which increases the chances that there might be one there when I am. So I just wanted to make it very clear that there is NO way I will share a room with one. Call me a snob, I AM. I mean you should have seen the waiting room this past Friday before my appointment, wow. I hate to say it but there is definitely a class difference between Kaiser patients and my old group at Palo Alto Medical Clinic. If I could pull a Jay-Z and Beyonce and rent my own wing of the hospital I would.

Yesterday I took 2 classes at the hospital, one was about breast feeding and one was called Newborn care which Jonas came to as well. I signed us up for him really. He was SO cute, he was so into learning as much as he could. Jonas is SO SO excited to meet our little lady. I just hope our baby is cuter than this scary doll!

Anyhow, all is looking good. I have been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions the last few days. My stomach gets SO HARD, and it lasts for an indefinite time and they usually come after I eat, or sit up after sitting for a while but it is just very uncomfortable, I feel like I'm going to explode. I almost wish Elsa was coming this Tuesday! BUT let's look at it this way I have one more week to do whatever I want ...so let's see I've got a hair appointment, mani-pedi appt, day with a girlfriend, dinner with our Norwegians neighbors, facial and waxing appointments...so what else should I do? The thing is I can't be out and about for too long because my back starts to really ache, and I need to just lay down on my side to take the weight off. I guess sleeping is on the list but I've been napping every day for the last month! I have our maid service set up and I have been collecting all the things I need in a file for 2011 taxes, so I'm pretty on top of everything already hmmm  I really don't have a lot that I have to do, it's more what do I want to do?? Suggestions?

36 weeks!

Today for some reason, feeling good, so I blow dried my hair, and put make up on, then I remembered that I'm 36 weeks along and a belly shot is due on the blog here. I've been taking these myself by stacking books and setting autotimer. After taking about 10 I can't decide what shows the belly the best..but here you go!

Only 10 days left of being pregnant! Yippeee!!!

Last night Jonas and I did a tour of the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital at Kaiser Redwood City. I must say thank God they are rebuilding the hospital, the rooms are stuck in the 60's! The L&D area is SO SMALL! I've been through quite a few surgeries in my life at major hospitals like UCSF and Stanford and not only are their Operating Rooms much bigger and the ceilings higher in the rooms etc, but the pre op area, post op area etc are just bigger at these high profile, many operations a day kind of places. So I think I kind of like that this Kaiser is small and more private. The Labor and Delivery rooms are next to the 2 Operating rooms where C sections are performed. For some reason I thought you had to get wheeled down a big long hall, but no, everything is centralized. They have 5 Labor and Delivery rooms and 13 recovery rooms, so hopefully they said 99% of the time you get your own room.

I have to make a comment about this though,, we had a lady give us a packet of information about the the whole process. She even went through if you come in at this time you or that time, what to do, all the way through, recovery. She said very specifically Dad's can spend the night. So immediately this young guy with his very pregnant girlfriend raises his hand not a second after the lady tells us this and says, "umm I heard Fathers cannot spend the night, what is the policy?" Jonas and I looked at each other and started laughing so hard to ourselves. I mean another couple asked a question like that too, the lady just answered the question the people are asking. Are you kidding me? I told Jonas afterwards if he asked such a stupid question like that in front of all these other people I would have been mortified. The worst part is, these people are having kids! Now we know who all the instruction manuals are for, I mean we didn't even need to open ours on the car seat and it was pretty self explanatory with the giant Step 1, Step 2 etc pictures stuck on the car seat base. We're not going to waste our time to make an appointment with the CHP so they can tell us it's installed right, we KNOW it's installed right. All these checks, and like changing table harnesses and the harness in the newborn sleeper I have are for the dumb people who shouldn't be having kids. I mean I was looking at the angled newborn sleeper and thinking what newborn could possibly get out of this, why are there seat harnesses? It's because people leave their kid unattended or let them sleep in it past the size when they are able to sit up and roll over and possibly fall out which at that point the kid should be in a crib!  I mean there really are a lot of just stupid people out there. I'm happy to say we're not them.

Ok I'm suddenly starving, ....just 10 more days!!

Happy New Year

Enjoying a warm winter day outside! Look at that belly!!